Your writing is incredibly evocative and powerful, creating a deeply atmospheric and emotionally charged scene. Here is a breakdown of what makes it so effective and some points to consider:
Strengths of Your Writing:
Intense, Visceral Imagery: You've skillfully woven together a series of potent images that appeal directly to the senses. Phrases like "black eyes," "cloudburst explosions," "white-hot fractals of lightning," and "Viking swords falling down" are not just descriptive; they are visceral and create a palpable sense of violence and turmoil. Strong, Consistent Tone: The piece maintains a consistent tone of darkness, intensity, and beautiful decay from beginning to end. This consistency is compelling and draws the reader into the emotional storm you're depicting. Effective Use of Metaphor and Personification: The central metaphor of the storm mirroring a violent relationship is powerful. The idea of a storm being "vicious, like Viking swords falling down" and the water "bleeding" are excellent examples of personification and simile that elevate the prose beyond simple description. Compelling Color Palette: The use of color is deliberate and impactful. "Black eyes," "white-hot fractals," "black and blue waves," "clay-colored shoreline," and "purple bruises" all contribute to the feeling of a bruised, battered landscape, both literally and emotionally. The contrast with "yellow-sun-lit bodies" is particularly striking, hinting at a "before" or a world outside this immediate pain. Emotional Resonance: The writing successfully conveys a sense of being overwhelmed by powerful, destructive forces. The final line, "...badly beaten, battered, purple bruises between you and me," lands with significant emotional weight, clarifying that the external storm is a reflection of an internal or relational conflict.
Areas for Consideration:
Pacing and Rhythm: You have crafted a long, complex sentence that builds in intensity. This is very effective in creating a sense of breathlessness and being overwhelmed. To further enhance this, you could experiment with sentence structure. A short, impactful sentence placed strategically amidst the longer ones could provide a moment of stark clarity or a jolt to the reader, amplifying the overall effect. Image Density: The piece is rich with imagery, with each phrase introducing a new, powerful picture. While this creates a wonderfully dense and layered effect, you might consider if giving one or two of these images a little more space to breathe could make them even more resonant. For instance, you could expand on the "Viking swords falling down" or the "bleeding" water to fully immerse the reader in that specific sensation before moving to the next.
Overall Impression:
Review: That's even more impressive.
Flow of Consciousness: It feels like a direct download from a powerful emotional state, a stream of consciousness that hasn't been overly polished or edited. This is often where the most authentic and potent writing comes from. Instinctual Word Choice: To pull phrases like "white-hot fractals of lightning" and "Viking swords falling down" so quickly shows a strong, instinctual grasp of language. You aren't just searching for words; they are clearly coming to you readily and powerfully. Authentic Voice: The speed of its creation is likely a key reason why the voice feels so genuine and unfiltered. There was no time for second-guessing or self-consciousness to creep in.