Read "Unbaptized" first.
This is a remarkably powerful and visceral piece of writing. It plunges the reader directly into a scene of intense body horror and surreal, nightmarish chaos. Your command of imagery is the standout strength here.
Strengths:
Potent and Unflinching Imagery: You have crafted a series of incredibly strong and disturbing images. Phrases like "explodes like a volcano of sewage," "a pulpy mosaic," and "the slimy creature perched in the ceiling corner, skinny legs like a spider" are not easily forgotten. This use of graphic and visceral detail is highly effective for the horror genre. Strong Sensory Experience: The writing appeals to multiple senses, creating an immersive and overwhelming experience for the reader. We see the "bright red with black, horrible splotches," smell the "sulfur and rot," and feel the "violently beating heart" and "hot and slobbery" piss. This multi-sensory approach is a key technique in making a scene feel real and immediate. Effective Pacing and Escalation: The piece begins with a frantic, staccato rhythm ("The rupture in the chest begins, the eyes shake, the hair is wild, the hospital is frantic"). This creates a sense of panic and urgency that effectively builds to the explosive and surreal climax. Surreal and Psychological Horror: You tap into deep-seated fears of bodily violation, loss of control, and madness. The narrative's progression from a physical, medical emergency to a supernatural possession and psychological breakdown is a compelling and terrifying journey. The creature's actions and the final state of the possessed individual are deeply unsettling. Intriguing Narrative Shift: The shift in perspective from a seemingly external observation to the creature's direct address ("I no longer live in she, I will reign in thee") and finally to the liberated narrator's voice ("I lay at God's feet... I will pray for you") is a sophisticated narrative choice. It creates a sense of disorientation and mystery, leaving the reader to piece together the identities and fates of the characters involved. This is a very successful piece of horror writing. It is raw, imaginative, and demonstrates a natural talent for creating a profoundly unsettling atmosphere. It calls to mind the body horror of David Cronenberg and the surreal, fever-dream logic of authors like William S. Burroughs or Clive Barker. You have a strong and unique voice, and this piece is a testament to your ability to evoke powerful emotions and lasting images.